If I told you that every year millions of innocent children are deliberately poisoned by deadly bacteria and viruses which in many cases are dead or severely weakened themselves, you would think I was talking about the Middle Ages or India. And if I told you that this was being done supposedly to keep these kids healthy, you would think I was crazy. But I am not. I'm not. What is crazy is the fact that not only are tens of thousands of vaccinations happening every day, not in India, but right here in our own country. What is crazy is that many of these vaccinations are not being done by poisoners but by doctors who are supposed to make us well not make us sick. What is crazy is that all this craziness is not opposed by our government and our army but is actually being supported by them. At least for now.
But all that is about to change when I am elected. People from all sides of the political spectrum agree that our vaccination rate is out of control. Believe it or not, the vaccination rate in the United States is over 90%. You might expect that in India but not here. Not in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Let me be clear: our policy of vaccinating children against diseases is, in a word, sick.
I've heard the cynical politicians and the lazy bureaucrats. They say, "yes, the vaccination problem is a shame and a national tragedy but there's nothing we can do about it." Wrong! What if we gave American parents a tax incentive not to have their kids vaccinated? What if we put doctors who give vaccinations in prison the way we do with doctors who give abortions or break into people's houses? What if we gave the vaccination companies a taste of their own medicine by forcing their top executives to get vaccinations? I bet they'd get out of the vaccination business right quick.
From a very early age, virtually all school children in America are taught mathematics, starting with arithmetic. They are taught that two plus two is four, that two plus three is five, that three plus three is six. They are taught that five plus three is eight, that eight plus eight is…sixteen, and that one plus one is two. They learn that one plus two is three and that one plus three is four, just like two plus two is. But while children are being taught all of these supposed math facts, they are also being taught something much more insidious: they are being taught that math is important. That’s right. Because it is given so much emphasis in our schools, the message is crystal clear. Kids are told that learning math is the key to a happy, successful, and well-adjusted future. And they are told that, when it comes to math, there is only one right answer, leaving no room for creativity and individuality. Moreover, math teachers are granted impunity by the system to act like big shots and bullies because they, and only they, supposedly have all the right answers.
I believe there is a legitimate role for mathematical education in our schools. I really do. I am not suggesting that we ban the teaching of math altogether. But I am suggesting that we restore math to its proper place, as one subject among many others that is only taught once a week the way music is. Furthermore, I am suggesting that instead of the stale, strict, unyielding math of my childhood, that kids be allowed to explore a more open and contemporary kind of math where they are free to find their own answers rather than those that are dictated by the sort of weirdos who become math teachers.
A lot of people don’t know this but math was actually invented by Muslims. That’s right. It makes sense when you think about it. All of this effort to turn schoolkids into brainless slaves through math actually has a hidden agenda behind it. It’s pretty obvious that math with its “my way or the highway” rules is nothing less than an effort to convert millions of children to Islam. Don’t believe me? Well, you better.
Everyone in America hates taxes. If you travel around this great country, as I have, asking people what they hate most about it, pretty much all of them will put taxes at or near the top. After that it’s a whole mess of things from minorities to women to immigrants to chemtrails but taxes are always right up there. Politicians have been promising to eliminate taxes for years but when they get a chance to, they always chicken out! When I’m president, I plan to do something different. I’m not going to eliminate taxes. That’s right. You heard me. I’m not going to eliminate taxes. How’s that for honesty? The truth is that the government needs some of your money to pay people such as the president otherwise hardly anyone would work for the government and the kind of people who would do it on a volunteer basis wouldn’t probably be the sort of people you’d want to be, say, Joint Chiefs of Staff. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. The point is that I have an innovative tax plan, Jonah Ryan’s 7-8-9 Plan, which is both innovative, as I said, and easy to remember. Here’s the trick I use to remember it. “Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!” The key is that the number “8” sounds just like the word that means that you ate something, like a hamburger. That’s the kind of fearless out-of-the-box thinking you can expect from me. It’s very simple. I see opportunities that no one else does (the “8-ate” thing) and, boom! I take advantage of them.
As someone who has not simply beaten cancer but utterly destroyed it, I have one simple message: “Hey Cancer! Guess what? This time it’s personal!” But my policies regarding cancer and health care in general are not just a result of my own triumph. I understand how important good health is.
Health care is very complicated. It’s really too complicated for any one congressman to cope with. For this reason, I have adopted a two-pronged approach toward health care policy:
1.) Work with other Congressmen on both sides of the aisle
2.) Focus on “what you know,” in my case cancer.
I have literally looked cancer in the eye and I know what a harsh mistress she is. More federal funds are needed. And more hospitals. But people also need to learn how to examine themselves. There are lots of great videos on-line that show men how to examine their balls and women how to examine their breasts. Women can also learn how to examine each other’s breasts from watching the videos, though you have to use your imagination a bit.
As someone who has not simply beaten cancer but utterly destroyed it, I have one simple message: “Hey Cancer! Guess what? This time it’s personal!” I bring the same passion and energy that I brought to my successful battle with cancer to caring for our senior citizens and veterans who really have a lot of problems.
(One kind of funny example is that my grandfather (who was also a Coast Guard veteran) used to drop his glasses in the toilet all the time when he would stand over it to pee. Every time he would go to the bathroom we would wait to hear a splash and then a “Goddammit!” and then completely crack up. It didn’t happen all the time maybe about one out of every six or eight times he went to the bathroom. But obviously that’s still too often and this is a good example of a problem that senior citizens (and maybe some of our veterans) have.)
Rather than pointing fingers, I prefer to be all about solutions, although there are certain problems that old people have like the glasses/toilet thing that are hard to fix. One great solution that I strongly support is giving stray dogs to veterans. The same kind of thing might work for old people.
Tip Jars are spreading across the face of America like pimples across the face of a pimply teenager!
You know what I’m talking about, right? Those jars that people in fast food places or even stores put next to the cash register with a funny sign on them like “Employee Incentive Plan” or “March of Dimes” or sometimes just “Tips.” I believe that anyone who puts out a tip jar really has a lot of nerve. But, just as strongly, I believe that anyone who puts any money, no matter how little, in a tip jar is encouraging not only an immoral and dishonest practice but the further spread of tip jars themselves.
Compare tip jars to a panhandler’s upturned hat. Each nickel that you drop in buys you what, exactly? That’s right. Nothing but more panhandlers. That’s about 20 panhandlers per dollar. And where would those 20 panhandlers take that dollar? Right again. To the liquor store. So don’t blame me when your neighborhood is nothing but panhandlers sitting in front of liquor stores. Don’t say, “it’s not my fault! All I did was drop a nickel in a bum’s hat! I felt sorry for him!” Well, I feel sorry for you.
Tips are for when you are eating at a fancy restaurant with a waiter who waits on you or riding in a taxi with a driver who drives you or in an old-fashioned hotel with a bell hop who hops the bell. They are not for someone who gives you change after you pay for a slice of pizza or someone who sells you a melon. They are for shoe shine boys and barbers. Not travel agents or doctors.
Also, let’s watch it with the over-tipping. 15% is fine. If you give more than that, it’s a slippery staircase and soon we’re all forced to tip 18% or more.
What can government do? How about imposing a 200% tax on any money collected in tip jars? That way for every dollar you put in the tip jar, the owner of the tip jar would have to pay the government $2. It would be a great way to fund a lot of important projects and also strengthen our military.
Nothing honks me off more than talk of nuclear disarmament. Why in Heaven’s name would we give up our nuclear weapons when so many countries are trying to get them?
One of the things we do a lot of in Congress is learn about other countries. In addition to what you can read in the newspaper or on Wikipedia, we learn a lot of secret stuff, things the general public doesn’t know. Without revealing any secrets, I can tell you this: 99% of the other countries in the world are 100% worthless.
There’s a reason why the United States is the leader of the world. And it’s not just because we’re the best country. It’s because the other countries are so unbelievably bad. On every issue that matters (except in a few cases, hot-looking women) whether it’s education or health or toilet facilities, they suck. I’m not talking about Europe. That doesn’t count.
But another thing you learn in Congress is that not all of these countries know how badly they suck. To their credit, many do. But others think that if it weren’t for a few bad breaks, theirs would be the most important country in the world, not the US.
Now, admittedly, many of these countries lack the initiative to try and take over the world. But others are sneakier and could try to pull something when we’re not looking. For them, nuclear weapons are a powerful deterrent. This is what is meant by the phrase “Nuclear Deterrent,” in fact.
Here’s another thing. What do all of these “wannabe” countries want? Nuclear weapons! So why would we give them up and destroy them ourselves when we could sell them to other countries that would pay pretty much anything to have them?
It is time for the clock to run out on Daylight Saving (not “Savings” as some would like you to believe) Time.
This twice or three times yearly ritual has become an unconscionable burden for ordinary Americans imposed, you guess it, by your bossy babysitter government.
Think of the worst babysitter you ever had. Did she try and tell you what to do all the time? Was she a total bitch? Was she not even slightly hot? Well, guess what? That’s what our government is acting like when it forces us to set our clocks and watches forward and backward whenever it feels like it. And I’m not just talking about the clocks and watches that are easily accessible. I’m talking about having to adjust the clocks in our cars and on our microwaves which often requires remembering where we put the manual or whether we threw it out. Google can sometimes help but not always which can mean a time-consuming and expensive trip to the dealership.
Or else it can mean having those clocks just be wrong for a long time until they are suddenly right again so that you have to always ask yourself, “is this clock wrong or right?” or put up a post-it which can make your car, in particular, look like a total shitbox.
How many patients die needlessly every year because a surgeon fails to arrive on time to perform a life-saving procedure thanks to Daylight Saving Time? It’s probably a lot. And I also bet it’s more than is being reported. Why? Because the government is doing the reporting and they’re too proud and arrogant to admit that Daylight Saving Time is a huge disaster.
Other politicians are afraid to touch Daylight Saving Time. They say it’s too big and important. And they say that there are influential and well-funded special interest groups with a vested interest in the status quo. Well, Jonah Ryan, has never been afraid to take on either the big, important issues or the special interests.
Daylight Saving Time, the clock is ticking toward a time when you will soon be over. It is High Noon!
There’s an old saying that Washington, DC is a “land of a thousand experts.” Well, when it comes to school lunches, it seems like everyone is an expert! And they all have different opinions which are mostly that school lunches need to be more healthy.
But it seems like all these so-called “experts” forgot to ask the real experts: the children.
Here’s one thing I know from personal experience, the one way to absolutely guarantee that a kid won’t eat anything is to tell him that it’s good for him. French fries – hooray! Brussels sprouts – no way! Ice cream sandwiches – hooray! Radishes – no way! All that shit at 7-11 – hooray! Space food sticks – no way!
If we want kids to eat in school, why not let them decide what they want to eat? But you know what? We don’t need to let them decide because we know already. And it isn’t carrots, which just end up getting thrown in the garbage.
Let’s “get real” and start passing a few laws that make sense for a change! And let’s start with a law about getting rid of laws about healthy school lunches.