Throughout my life I have always been a fighter. I’ve been knocked down a few times, sure: by economic adversity, by other kids, and even by testicular cancer. I’ve won elections and I’ve lost elections. But I’ve always gotten back up, dusted myself off, and made the tough decisions about whether to keep fighting and, if so, what tricks to use to make sure I win next time.
For those of you who don’t know me, I was born and raised in the Granite State in the shadow of the majestic White Mountains. I grew up swimming and fishing in New Hampshire’s many lakes -- including the sort of scary ones (bravery) -- hiking and skiing on our mountains, exploring our fields and forests and enjoying the fine dining and rich cultural offerings of our vibrant towns and cities. I attended the University of New Hampshire, first in Durham and then after a year off, at the Manchester campus, although I left before completing my degree. While I was in college, I was also attending another school, the School of Hard Knocks, where I learned important lessons about the fundamental unfairness of life and how difficult it can be to make other people, especially girls, like you if you suffer from the disability of being tall and rather gangly.
I am, at heart, a country boy who understands our cities and towns. I know the struggles of ordinary Americans because I, too, have struggled. As a matter of fact, to me, ordinary Americans are not ordinary. They are extraordinary. After college, Fate blew me to Washington D.C. where I rolled up my sleeves and joined the battle to help make government work better for extraordinary ordinary Americans like my mom who has sacrificed a lot for me and took a lot of stupid jobs in order to make money.
After rising quickly in the executive branch, I became a senior assistant to President Stuart Hughes, working directly with the President in the White House. In that capacity, I dealt with senior officials and foreign leaders on a daily basis and participated in many major policy discussions and decisions. I also served as the liaison with President Selina Meyer while she was vice president, advising her on important matters and informing her of President Hughes’ opinions and decisions.
After President Hughes’ resignation, I continued to work in the White House for President Meyer for a brief time, but I became frustrated with Beltway Gridlock and returned home to run for office in order to fight more effectively for change. Never one to shrink from a challenge, I wanted to get the country back on track and return America to the values I grew up with: hard work, thrift, equal opportunity for all, a decent amount of outdoor recreation plus tourism, and a government that works for the people and not the other way around. The good people of New Hampshire rewarded me with a victory after I took courageous stands on complicated issues like forests and gun control. (My unofficial (it was only “unofficial” because Tom Petty kept suing us – not Tom personally but some lawyers who claimed to work for him. I bet Tom himself dug it.) campaign song was “Won’t Back Down” and I think that really tells you a lot about the kind of person I am.) I returned to Washington fired up to make some real and lasting progress, regardless of whose toes got stepped on. After just a few months in office, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I took one look at the testicle in question and resolved that I would beat its cancer, just like I’ve overcome every other obstacle in my life.
After having the testicle removed and completing a course of chemotherapy, I am proud to be not just a cancer survivor but a cancer winner. And I have made a lifelong pledge to bring the same grit, guts, and determination that enabled me to beat cancer to beating the many cancers that currently infect our country before they can meta…metasta…metatas…before they can spread. As the founder and chairman of the influential renegade caucus, The Jeffersons, I led the battle against government nonsense on behalf of ordinary people. People like you. And you. And you.
Because of my courage and determination, I may have stepped on those Beltway toes a little harder than the toe-owners might have liked. And I may have made a few enemies among the fat cats and special interests who conspired to support my cousin Ezra who unseated me in 2018. But make no mistake. Ezra Kane and I may be (distantly) related by blood but we could not be further apart when it comes to fighting for America and extraordinary Americans which Ezra has only done in the Army and I have been doing in the much more challenging battlefield of Washington, DC.
All of these things have that happened to me during my struggle have been excellent preparation for what I call “Phase Next,” my run for the presidency of the United States of America. I have been tested time and time again and I have always succeeded brilliantly. Pay no attention to the haters. They will tell you that I am unqualified. Well, I’m not. I am actually very qualified. They will tell you I am a “loose cannon.” Well, guess what? When I’m elected president, I’m going to get a whole lot looser! They may even tell you that I’m gay. Well, I’m definitely not gay. In fact, I recently got married to one of my many high school sweethearts, Beth Hennick, who is a total dime piece.
I am young, I am physically fit, I am mentally stable, and I am not gay. I am ready to be your president.
Thank you for taking the time to read my website thoroughly. I hope I can count on your support. May God bless you and may God bless the United States of America!